"Why?" Part 1

Where do I even start. "Why?"

Before I even started this post, I had re-written the word "why" so many times it started to sound like a foreign language. I enjoy the small, insignificant things in life that we so often take advantage of. Like saying a wording so many times, the sound itself loses meaning to the ears.

Ok, moving on. I want to explain (for the second time, but so much time has passed I feel I need to reevaluate the reasons) of why I write. I have a problem where I write the way I talk, so this will not be formal. Essays are extremely tedious to me for that exact reason: I can't just write what I want to literally say. Every single fucking statement, word, letter, punctuation mark has its place. I understand that translating what you think to what you say is difficult enough, but a simple step forward - actually putting yours thoughts into words on a paper - can be more complicated than differential equations to some people.

I write and create visual art for similar reasons, but different emotional outlets. I draw no matter what mood, I just need a visual muse to stimulate my brain. My visual art is also purposefully more unrealistic or even surreal because it can be. However, when I write, I write with purpose. I write with reason. I write to show the world I'm not afraid of unmasking the deep, dark truths of the world we share. We do share it, and I want to put in my two cents because people forget that very notion. People forget that EVERYONE else, with few exceptions, has feelings, emotions, opinions, preferences, logic, reasoning and self-worth. I write because I am a person, and I have all of these. I want my print on the world to not be one of many forgotten and insignificant prints left behind, but a name remembered for honesty, and ability to question anything and everything.

Our ability to ask the question "why" is more significant to me than our ability to breathe in oxygen and convert it into carbon-dioxide and breathe it out. 

I'm also astounded by ability to have to go to the bathroom and be completely unmotivated to continue this post I was just to ridiculously passionate about. Surprise, surprise. My strong ambitions fall short, and this is the perfect example of why I'm not famous. 

I promise to attempt better consistency.   

The In Between

Most of the time it's difficult to know that we're all human

No one is completely good or bad, but all we see is what we want and nothing more

It's all black and white until you're presented with the grey between

So if all these people aren't as they seem, what is trust even for?

All of this makes withdrawing from society seem so safe 

I don't want to take the time to see beyond all the evil and the cruel

If there's a reason behind it all, then how do I find the middle ground unharmed?

And how can I tell who's the one in control and who's the fool?

Sometimes it's just too hard to continue with hope in sight

How should I interpret the grey behind all of these cold staring eyes?

But we're all victims of manipulation and manipulators in defense

We're all humans with facades, so when would I define what's real and what's the disguise?

And when we're fooled it shouldn't come as a surprise 

Be ever cautious of those who are true, and those who tell lies

And after all of this I still can't go around assuming

Even through betrayal, remember we're all human

The black and white doesn't exist but the in between is just so hard to see

And as I'm judging all of you, all along you've been judging me

All I want is to be free, to trust the world that I cannot avoid

Black and white is easy, and the rest is just to fill a void 

Even if on occasion I feel empty inside 

Just like all of you, the grey, the dark, I attempt to hide

Can someone tell me what's the point if I can't see the intentions as they are?

The truth I want so badly just seems too be so far

I'm not alone in despair 

So why do I still feel like there's no one to be trusted out there?

This all just speculation, maybe I'm the one who's not to trust in the end

I'm the one who's attempting to hide all I have, and that's the message that I send

Maybe I'm the one to which the world should precede with caution,

Maybe I'm the in between to fear

But who am I to tell you what to believe

And trusted or not, it's trivial, I'm just another life existing here

I could tell you anything, it's up to you to find the truth

And if there isn't any who's to say, I'm the only one who would know

So really what's the purpose of even trying to decide

I've got nothing, neither good nor bad, to show

The intentions of every single one of us is all a blur

It just so happens we exist and have no choice but to decide alone what's real and fake

Though it seems unfair to be so scared

And all that counts is not what we give, but what we take

So I choose to reserve myself, and trust no one for my own heart's sake

Even if I hide it all, it's my choice alone

And I will deal with the consequences if I happen to make the mistake

Of excluding myself and causing my own demise

So none of this matters as long as I wear this disguise

Words are cheap, but words are all I have   

Starting Over

I haven't posted in a few years, so consider this post the first of a new blog. I will update more soon.