Goal Setter Is Not My Real Name
Ok, so I know it's been a little while and I promised to post when I could, or at least I promised myself. I tend not to look back at anything I write or I doubt myself as a writer. I truly am my own worst critic. But I do like to re-read the endless amounts of shitty poetry I write until my fingers turn blue just so my crying feels justified. This shit doesn't rhyme or have a good beat to it, so it usually just depresses me.
Now I'm going to try to set some goals, which I never really did too much of before, and force myself to re-read my stuff so I can remember my goals. I also forget a lot of the promises I make myself. There's only so much I can set my mind too. When I was in community college before I set the goal to lose weight, I had gained a good 40 lbs in the relationship I was in for 2 years previous to that. I was very unhappy and didn't have anywhere to turn, the relationships I had with my mother and brother were stronger after the divorce, and then never the same again after I ended this tragic love story. I did accomplish the goal to lose weight, and then some unfortunately, and ended up under weight because I was so caught up in stepping on that scale to see lower and lower digits.
I set the goal to get back to 115 lbs, and at about three quarters of a year later I hit 110. Then 100, then 95, and finally down to 90. Though it sounds frightening, I am only 4'11" to give you a better idea a medically healthy range is 100 lbs - 120 lbs. I was only 10 under, but it looked worse. I was just bones, I had gone down a cup size in the chest, and my spine began to raise the skin on my back. It took me another year or so to realize I looked slightly sick, though most people only mentioned I had lost weight since high school.
It was until I made up with my very close friend since childhood, Kaitlyn. Though we were only a week or two apart in birthdays, I always felt like she was a big sister to me, always being one of the few brave enough to tell me when I wasn't doing the right thing or anything that was wrong or unsettling. It was her bravery that told me I looked sick, and I needed to put the weight back on. I had reached my goal and then continued, and nothing like that is good in abundance. I had to admit to myself I had become anorexic, which was never an addictive behavior I thought I would pick up - I was always a little chubby due to the high fat diet I was on from birth. I learned to eat sugar and carbs leaving me always slightly plump, or "healthy" as my mother and her family would say.
If I didn't have Kaitlyn to stand up to my face when she noticed, I would have kept going and knowing that Anorexia leads to heart problems and in untreated eventually death, I know I couldn't have ended up anywhere good. I could've ended up like a close friend Mikayla, who is now spending her 3rd year in a half-way home. Addicted to stimulants and making herself vomit or skipping meals altogether, Mikayla has burned most of the bridges in her life and a lot of hope for her improvement is no longer there. I know very well she had an influence, cheering me on as I lost weight, but because I was used to being hungrier, I lost touch with my stomach and all the amazing food I used to eat and placed the importance on seeing those numbers drop.
Since that goal, I am very reluctant to begin a new diet, hoping I don't lose sight of reality again and overwork myself. I am usually able to disassociate myself from issues so that I can be objective, but setting a goal to me is very similar as to when I fall in love: I am very able to lose sight in what is good or right for me, and I tend to rely on what feels good, engaging in risky behavior and unable to see the truth in that situation. That is why I am learning to be reluctant with love as well.. I'm not sure I know love but I know what it isn't, and that's a good start.
Back to the goals, I'm still trying to decide what to even set. A 1 to 5 year plan? A day by day schedule? A bi-annual event? I suppose the next time I'll actually set them, and for now I will just brainstorm what is important at this time in my life, and what I need to be doing to get where I want to go.
First thing is first: I am going back to school this fall, no exceptions. I will continue my path in psychology as originally planned, and after I get my A.A. I can think about more specialization and when I complete my B.A. I can set my heart to it. I want to go towards abnormal psychology, it is a hell of a lot more interesting and challenging. Once you know psychology, abnormal psychology opens up the door to all the anomalies that can occur due to genetics, environment, and everything in between. I really like brain mapping and neurology. It's very interesting, all the stimuli you can use to create reactions in someone's brain. Or neural-nets, implanted in a specific region of a brain to stimulate new neural-pathways creating new emotions, sensations, perceptions, consciousness, and behaviors. There are so many things that neural-nets can fix or help to accomplish. If I could keep a steady hand, I would have gone towards neurosurgeon.
What next? I would like to set the goal to be a more tidy person. And maybe lose the weight I put back on since resisting to urge to skip a meal every time I'm hungry. I did damage my stomach a bit in the process, leaving me with a stomach ulcer, and consistent aches and nausea.
I also need to set a goal to be healthier in general, and stop ignoring what my body tells me. I am so used to basing my perceptions on my emotional attachments, I must begin to think more with my body sensations. When I do not ignore them, they are strong and exhausting, but I am hyper sensitive and am able to tell when the pressure changes in the air and even when something inhuman emerges. These things I have claimed to be more curse than blessing, but I suppose my strange ability is what makes me very good at psychology and studying people in general. I like science and medicine as well, so biology comes easily as well. It's truly astonishing what our bodies and minds are capable of and what inconsistencies they also do create in accordance to damage, genetic quirks, environment, learned, resistance to changes or adaptions. There are so many factors, and every single one of them are so important, and are so relevant in my life so I'd like to make the knowledge more available. This in turn could provide a more general understanding of ourselves so that we can then understand each other, and who knows what kind of revelations that could bring. I want society to be much more informed of things more relevant to their lives and the lives of those around them. Life could be slightly less restricted and more pleasant. Even introverts can adapt to other people, and maybe pathology would not be so easily adaptable to fit their needs and keep narcissistic goals and inability to feel remorse hidden. These are only dreams. I could be stuck in a lab for the rest of my life, living to collaborate statistics and research to form laws or processes over time.
I want most of all to be happy. And now that I've had my time away, I know it is what I want and realize it is the only thing that will fulfill my heart in case I never marry. I will always have my career, and I have to make myself happy before I can even be true to someone else in a commitment. Scholastic desires are always more realistic to me, and it keeps my interest where as people become dull and sour.
So I suppose I did set a large goal with all those small possibilities along the way. I also want to be happy. That is my unspoken truest desire that I need to focus on more clearly: to be happy without substance or person to fill my addictions void. I want to be addicted to education like I was in the last year or two of high school. I want to live for the rush of learning new concepts or discovering even newer personal philosophies.
