Post II

Dissociate is all I Know

Given the news that I have the genetic markers, and I suppose enough to make it possible for me to actually to be later diagnosed with lupus. This is not the first time I've been given bad news by a doctor, only I've already been diagnosed with genetic afflictions that I've been dealing with and I don't want to count or do the figures and guess just when I'll have to start worrying about this. I feel like shit now. Can we do something about that?

In the past 6 months, I have been to the urgent care facility at least 4 times (i will not go to the hospital or they will 4th floor me), my regular physician about six times, two other doctors when my regular physician was out, and a rheumatoid and inner medicine doctor. I've had blood test up to maybe eight times, one of them consisting of 27 blood tests and all I could give them was 7 1/2 viles of blood. I've had ultrasounds two or three times, and three or four x-rays of different body parts.

I'm 20 years old. I wake up feeling like I'm 60 every morning. I get cold easily, I take medicine that has permanently damaged my stomach lining, I put on and take off weight every month, I don't get my period, I constantly ache, I catch infections like I've got no immune system, and these are just the things caused by my life style caused by my genetic afflictions. 

It's a vicious cycle.

I have Bipolar II Disorder with a side of Panic Disorder, Acute Agoraphobia, and many addictive behaviors qualifying as a disease. Insomnia, occasionally when I'm not over-sleeping, and I am currently Depressed. I'm usually depressed. I get Hypo-mania more than I have manic episodes.. woo. 

Because of this I live my life far differently than any of my friends, my family members or really most people I have ever met. It's really hard for me to get close to others now, though I used to be a social butterfly. Now I'd just people rather not see me like this.. 

I do go out though, and usually it's on the occasion I have enough energy to find something to satisfy my drug and or alcoholic habits, and that's enough for me. 

I dissociate myself from almost every situation I come across, or at least that's what I was used to up until about the time I turned 20. This past year all I've done is self-reflect, self-analyze and try to be better.. but I'm still trying to figure out what "better" is to me.

Post I

What You Can Expect From My Posts

This blog is for me, the rest of you are by standers, honestly, and I don't mean that in any sense of hierarchy: I mean more than you and in my blog I'm the boss so whatever I say goes, damn it, and you will be my minions! No, it's just when I can't draw or paint (especially when I have no other form of income currently) I like to express myself through writing. If I can stay out of trouble, and keep away from all of those terrible little things that people try to hide from their loved ones and co-worker and closest friends (if they can and usually aren't good at for long), I'm going to try. I'd rather not get arrested again, it's the one that get's me a go straight to jail card, and I'm no the jail type. I'm an artsy, sarcastic, bipolar anomaly. I would hope to god that my talking, which has gotten me out of so many situations before, would be my only hope of salvation.

So, in this blog, you can't truly expect much but you can hope to see a lot. My father is a writer, quite a good one too but I would never use his name to get anywhere, and though I know I'm a good one, I only fallow in his footsteps for pleasure not for a living as well. And I'm not going to school for communications, I'm a psychology major (go figure). He is pushing me to write an auto-biography, though, which I admire the thought of my life on pages to help me get it out but so far this is what I'm doing. I'm hoping that me getting out the things I go through, and the crazy self-analysis that anyone who knows me well enough can agree too, I do it quite often and quite well for someone who can be rather irrational. It's the after-the-fact situation where I disassociate myself and can become my own therapist. My therapist would like me to leave it to him, but he doesn't blame me for doing a good job while he's not around.

For anyone who does come upon this blog, I hope you enjoy and appreciate the life I live and the problems at hand, my next post, which I'm sure will come quickly, will be more personal, rather than explaining to you what this whole thing was started for. I just wanted to give a clue, if it helped, which I'm sure it left you more confused - I do it to myself a lot, on what you can expect.

This is meandering. I am Megan.