Post II

Dissociate is all I Know

Given the news that I have the genetic markers, and I suppose enough to make it possible for me to actually to be later diagnosed with lupus. This is not the first time I've been given bad news by a doctor, only I've already been diagnosed with genetic afflictions that I've been dealing with and I don't want to count or do the figures and guess just when I'll have to start worrying about this. I feel like shit now. Can we do something about that?

In the past 6 months, I have been to the urgent care facility at least 4 times (i will not go to the hospital or they will 4th floor me), my regular physician about six times, two other doctors when my regular physician was out, and a rheumatoid and inner medicine doctor. I've had blood test up to maybe eight times, one of them consisting of 27 blood tests and all I could give them was 7 1/2 viles of blood. I've had ultrasounds two or three times, and three or four x-rays of different body parts.

I'm 20 years old. I wake up feeling like I'm 60 every morning. I get cold easily, I take medicine that has permanently damaged my stomach lining, I put on and take off weight every month, I don't get my period, I constantly ache, I catch infections like I've got no immune system, and these are just the things caused by my life style caused by my genetic afflictions. 

It's a vicious cycle.

I have Bipolar II Disorder with a side of Panic Disorder, Acute Agoraphobia, and many addictive behaviors qualifying as a disease. Insomnia, occasionally when I'm not over-sleeping, and I am currently Depressed. I'm usually depressed. I get Hypo-mania more than I have manic episodes.. woo. 

Because of this I live my life far differently than any of my friends, my family members or really most people I have ever met. It's really hard for me to get close to others now, though I used to be a social butterfly. Now I'd just people rather not see me like this.. 

I do go out though, and usually it's on the occasion I have enough energy to find something to satisfy my drug and or alcoholic habits, and that's enough for me. 

I dissociate myself from almost every situation I come across, or at least that's what I was used to up until about the time I turned 20. This past year all I've done is self-reflect, self-analyze and try to be better.. but I'm still trying to figure out what "better" is to me.