Post IV

Anger Man-Age-Ment

I've been talking about my childhood more openly with my mother lately for a few reasons. The nostalgia helps me recall the adoration I had for my mother growing up. She was my hero, and about two years after my parents divorced I began to develop resentment towards her, and I know now those were false. I also feel old enough to look back and recall how I felt, how I was raised, and the many reasons I live my life how I do now that I'm a bit older.

I've been thinking about the anger and angst I held towards damn near everyone, only truly surpassing and repressed the most this recent year. I was a very angry child though, and my temper tantrums grew worse and more dangerous as I grew into my teen years. On occasion I broke many glass and ceramic house hold object against walls, and I destroyed a fairly new cordless house phone one year - against a desk. I'm not even sure who or what made me that angry. There were many marks on my desk and door frames around the house I had made with large kitchen knives, the basement computer chair lost wheels and never worked quite right after I hurled it across the basement only to smash into a wall. I even broke many of my father's CDs by stomping on the jewel cases with my bare feet.

I've always had quite a mouth on me as well. I learned at a young age if I didn't want to take shit from the other kids about my height I would make up for it in words and personality - always the brave kid, not even afraid of the school bullies. They didn't want to be made fun of, no one did, so they stayed on my good side or ignored me all together. It made quite a reputation for me at every school I attended. People knew me either as the funny girl who seemed to be nicer than most - or the bitch who had a vendetta against anyone breathing my air. I only treated anyone who deserved it like shit though. My moto was always: it isn't fair to make fun of someone for anything they can't help, but if they need their own medicine I would be delighted to bring the instant karma.