What you may call "Soul Searching"

Transcendental Revival is Essential to my Survival

In the endless sea of seas
Across the path of manipulative thieves
And false profits - preachers do seize
The honest mans' only payment for deeds
There does exist a potential to perceive
The chaotic truth and the peace in need

In nothing more than the clothes on your back
The fire in your eyes, motivation irrelevant but intact
Transcend the enemy's means of soulless life hacks
In nothing more than powerful literate attacks
I follow independently in a familiar track

A similar fashion I seek to revive - which I once wore so well
That tier of excellence you've achieved and from I once fell

Chaos to Peace: I am Human.

Like perfection, the concept of complete happiness no longer feels practical or even relevant. I no longer possess the energy to waste a single moment of my time mulling over unrealistic notions that leave me feeling... less than human. 

But I am human. Sometimes that frustrates me just the same. I will make mistakes, I will have failures, and I will always be changing - developing, evolving.

All of the "in between" I've wasted so many days fighting to be at peace with happens to be the very conflict that creates chaos, the opposite of that which I attempt to accomplish within myself. 

So happiness - I'm no longer concerned with. Above all desires I have: knowledge, intellect, self awareness, and self sustainability - peace within myself has taken top priority. 

The moment I gave up on the idea of  "happiness", and began to find peace was the moment my entire perspective changed. And the moment I change, the world around me suddenly made more sense, and once again I feel human.

I am human.

And so are all of you.

the post before The Post

There's writing to soon follow.

"Why?" Part 1

Where do I even start. "Why?"

Before I even started this post, I had re-written the word "why" so many times it started to sound like a foreign language. I enjoy the small, insignificant things in life that we so often take advantage of. Like saying a wording so many times, the sound itself loses meaning to the ears.

Ok, moving on. I want to explain (for the second time, but so much time has passed I feel I need to reevaluate the reasons) of why I write. I have a problem where I write the way I talk, so this will not be formal. Essays are extremely tedious to me for that exact reason: I can't just write what I want to literally say. Every single fucking statement, word, letter, punctuation mark has its place. I understand that translating what you think to what you say is difficult enough, but a simple step forward - actually putting yours thoughts into words on a paper - can be more complicated than differential equations to some people.

I write and create visual art for similar reasons, but different emotional outlets. I draw no matter what mood, I just need a visual muse to stimulate my brain. My visual art is also purposefully more unrealistic or even surreal because it can be. However, when I write, I write with purpose. I write with reason. I write to show the world I'm not afraid of unmasking the deep, dark truths of the world we share. We do share it, and I want to put in my two cents because people forget that very notion. People forget that EVERYONE else, with few exceptions, has feelings, emotions, opinions, preferences, logic, reasoning and self-worth. I write because I am a person, and I have all of these. I want my print on the world to not be one of many forgotten and insignificant prints left behind, but a name remembered for honesty, and ability to question anything and everything.

Our ability to ask the question "why" is more significant to me than our ability to breathe in oxygen and convert it into carbon-dioxide and breathe it out. 

I'm also astounded by ability to have to go to the bathroom and be completely unmotivated to continue this post I was just to ridiculously passionate about. Surprise, surprise. My strong ambitions fall short, and this is the perfect example of why I'm not famous. 

I promise to attempt better consistency.   

The In Between

Most of the time it's difficult to know that we're all human

No one is completely good or bad, but all we see is what we want and nothing more

It's all black and white until you're presented with the grey between

So if all these people aren't as they seem, what is trust even for?

All of this makes withdrawing from society seem so safe 

I don't want to take the time to see beyond all the evil and the cruel

If there's a reason behind it all, then how do I find the middle ground unharmed?

And how can I tell who's the one in control and who's the fool?

Sometimes it's just too hard to continue with hope in sight

How should I interpret the grey behind all of these cold staring eyes?

But we're all victims of manipulation and manipulators in defense

We're all humans with facades, so when would I define what's real and what's the disguise?

And when we're fooled it shouldn't come as a surprise 

Be ever cautious of those who are true, and those who tell lies

And after all of this I still can't go around assuming

Even through betrayal, remember we're all human

The black and white doesn't exist but the in between is just so hard to see

And as I'm judging all of you, all along you've been judging me

All I want is to be free, to trust the world that I cannot avoid

Black and white is easy, and the rest is just to fill a void 

Even if on occasion I feel empty inside 

Just like all of you, the grey, the dark, I attempt to hide

Can someone tell me what's the point if I can't see the intentions as they are?

The truth I want so badly just seems too be so far

I'm not alone in despair 

So why do I still feel like there's no one to be trusted out there?

This all just speculation, maybe I'm the one who's not to trust in the end

I'm the one who's attempting to hide all I have, and that's the message that I send

Maybe I'm the one to which the world should precede with caution,

Maybe I'm the in between to fear

But who am I to tell you what to believe

And trusted or not, it's trivial, I'm just another life existing here

I could tell you anything, it's up to you to find the truth

And if there isn't any who's to say, I'm the only one who would know

So really what's the purpose of even trying to decide

I've got nothing, neither good nor bad, to show

The intentions of every single one of us is all a blur

It just so happens we exist and have no choice but to decide alone what's real and fake

Though it seems unfair to be so scared

And all that counts is not what we give, but what we take

So I choose to reserve myself, and trust no one for my own heart's sake

Even if I hide it all, it's my choice alone

And I will deal with the consequences if I happen to make the mistake

Of excluding myself and causing my own demise

So none of this matters as long as I wear this disguise

Words are cheap, but words are all I have   

Starting Over

I haven't posted in a few years, so consider this post the first of a new blog. I will update more soon. 

Post V

Everything Changes

 A very honest, self-fulfilled woman once told me, "every woman's life changes every 3 months." She went on to explain how a woman must keep up with a certain amount of maintenance in her life to be successful and self-fulfillment will come with routine or schedule of accomplishments. Aside from the context I'm not about to explain, the point that standards must me kept to be a self-fulfilling, or accomplished, or happy woman. Everything in your life can change so drastically within what could seem like a week or a lifetime. 

For example, I don't remember the exact last date I posted, but since then I've discovered I'm pregnant. Actually, I'm about five and half months along. I'm having a baby boy, which I've always secretly wanted more than a girl. The point being my life has done a 360 from a month or two ago. For reasons I didn't know were a threat, I didn't realize until I began to show about four and half months along. 

It's amazing how suddenly you can become an incubator to a human life one of the biggest changes a human can make aside from committing suicide, going into witness protection, getting married or divorced. These things that are both planned and unplanned, pregnancy having a unique ability to be either. I do understand almost every single cliche about pregnancy though, which is really something only after you experience it yourself can you truly understand why they are so overused they become cliches. 

It's been difficult too, of course. Many of my friends I would have seen a few times in the past month have barely spoken much to me. On the other hand, many people I haven't spoken to in long periods of time are coming out of the woodwork to congratulate or give advice to me. There are so many things I'm learning now that it's quite evident on my stomach and my body that I have something fragile and precious stirring inside. He moves. A lot. Much more active than I expected and in a day or two he will be able to kick. 

From a physical perspective, I completely understand why it is not only the hours of labor, but the months of actually harboring a miniature person inside, is held over a child's head when being scorned.

This brings me to another factor of pregnancy: I suddenly have much more appreciation and respect for my mother, who was also pregnant for the first time at 20, and I know she appreciates that. We've become closer in just this past month, it's amazing. I finally understand and respect what she went through to get by as a young mother just for her children. She is an amazing woman that went through thick and thin to give both Sean and I a functional, wholesome childhood.